A lot of Knowledge got reinforced again and again. Pain is inevitable, so is the gain. I felt I gained quite a bit of wisdom.
I deeply realized the complementariness of opposite values. The fever made me appreciate the value of good health and energy. One walk around the floor would leave me drained and I felt grateful for a millions things that I usually take for granted. I realized what a charmed life I live and the blessings I have, to be an instrument of such beautiful and liberating knowledge, a source of joy inducing techniques and a fountain of love.
Acceptance – after a while acceptance is a non-issue, it happens without choice. You simply have to accept that people are doing the best they can for you, however much you don’t like it. Now that I have recovered I am so grateful to Seema and Bau for force-feeding me, when I didn’t want to eat a single thing. The fever and the drugs totally took away my appetite. In retrospect I can see how important it was to eat then. I am so glad i did
Don’t be a football was a tough one. Great opinions were offered with paramount love. So I slept one night with 4 fresh cut onions stuck on a fork placed in glasses. It looked pretty artistic if you manage to vacuum shut your nose. The next day I had onion flavored everything, from toothpaste to water, to medicines to food and of course the breath.
Another opinion led me to have a guava leaf concoction and since my family had prepared me for this day with neem leaf and bitter gourd juice, I drank it by simply fading my smile a bit and not actually wiping it off. Then I was very charmingly offered payapa leaf potion, which quickly wiped off whatever was left of my smile and made me conclude that only a worm would have come up all these recipes; to leave the fruit and go for the leaf.
Live in the present moment – I always taught it’s the coolest place to be in. But presently it was very hot. But I don’t mind hot, so it was cool. But the throbbing headaches which came as a package deal with the fever were truly terrible. But Thank God for ujjayi breath, adi mudra, Om Namah Shivaya (and crocin of course).
Pain and suffering usually go together. However, Guruji had remarked that pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. Ill health can be a matter of wrong choices, but happiness is a matter of choice. Ill health and happiness is a perfectly workable partnership.
In those couple of weeks, I must have been poked so many times for blood, i have lost count. My IV entry points were changed 5 times. My life was becoming a numbers game. Everyday, I had to fill a chart of the water volume I had and how much i peed. Then fever levels were monitored at least 10 times a day and 5-6 times in the night. Blood pressure and pulse was checked 4 times (I thought it should be checked for the people staying with me). Blood and Urine culture test was done. Blood tests were done twice daily. The whole conversation would rotate around there numbers! Is the temperature less than 101, how much did you pee, what’s the platelets count, what’s the WBC and so on… Everyone around me became like they were bit by an OCD bug (Obesssive Compulsive Disorder) about numbers, even I felt like that at times. I would wake up in the middle of the night and ask, “what’s my temperature?”
Sometime in the middle I went in a phase where my sense of smell was enhanced a million times. The hospital dispenser soap smell bugged me no end. Then a lotion to reduce inflammation after they around the IV was awarded the world’s worst smelling thing (though Dr Seema begged to differ and said ‘blood smells worse’). Then, if I would see food lying in the dustbin, it would irritate me. Most of the times, I didn’t want to eat anything. “Don’t even talk about food”. I went into a phase of don’t want to see anything red or yellow in my food (this was really difficult for Bawa and the cooks to comply with, nevertheless, they did a brilliant job). On top of all this, one day, I was made to drink almost a litre of water and then they took me for a long drive on a wheel chair for sonography. I was doing driving motions which some of the security guards found very amusing. I kept looking around trying to see the screen and make sure there was no baby inside (remember all those mood swings?!).
The nurses were simple Malayali girls who would do their work diligently, whether it was blood sucking or sponging me (sometimes the fever would not come down, even after a paracetemol and i had to be sponged for the body to cool down). They would talk very little. So Bawa once asked whether there are any good eating joints around. And this nurse went on for about 10 minutes explaining every food place in the vicinity. That’s the power of food, it can make the silent ones talk, the lame ones walk. Its almost like Grace…
When I got a little bored of the ceiling’s intricate philosophical whiteness stretching to infinity on all thousand sides, I would entertain myself looking out of the window. I would see the tress with each and every leaf joyfully dancing to the breeze, soft light of the sunset or the sunrise, happy cows grazing blissfully oblivious to the cares of the world, small children standing in the lines for the school assembly and a lone eagle far away gliding on the air currents. There is abundance of joy and beauty ever present in nature for us to partake of, any moment.
More next week…